Is sex worth the pain? Willingness to engage in sexual activity among partnered women with fibromyalgia, 2017, Gullickson et al

2017 Canadian Pain Society: Is sex worth the pain? Willingness to engage in sexual activity among partnered women with fibromyalgia.

https://www.rehabilitationpsycholog.../8/58887957/gullickson_cps_poster__final_.pdf

This was featured in a recent edition of the newsletter of the National ME/FM Action Network. A sensitive topic that doesn't get discussed that much.

 

IMO it's the biggest tell of how absurd the weak/confused mind psych stuff is about denying the reality of chronic illness. Sex is what life is all about. Even money, and by extension all power, is ultimately all about sex. Millions of people are not deprived of a sex life without a damn good reason.

But disability and chronic illness leading to losing the ability to even have a sex life is not something medicine is ready yet to acknowledge, it's a taboo falsified by basic common sense. There is a lot of talk about those imaginary "secondary benefits" and "sick role", but it doesn't just means losing some bad things in life (even though some people actually liked their job and life so it makes no sense anyway), it also takes all the good ones.

Sex is worth some pain, even some sickness. Above a certain threshold, nothing matters but survival instinct. That level is damn serious and to dismiss it as imaginary, or psychologically constructed or whatever, given the biological need for reproduction is frankly banishing all common sense all the way to 11. Especially as the quality of life with ME or FM is known and not especially denied in theory, just wholly in practice. It's self-evident that this is a consequence but it's diminished as some luxury.

 

FYI: a bit of extraneous detail with my humble apologies

I have fibro and I had a partner prior to 2000. He divorced me the same time as I couldn't work anymore. He denied it was because of my illness. I was 50 and he said I just looked old to him. He was 52.

He was also having work problems and he, too, would soon be out of his job, so it was that accummulation, the perfect storm.

But there were signs he didn't love me, but he didn't admit to it. He barely spoke. Some sort of weird creed: I do not talk. I never reveal.

Anyway, I was able to enjoy sex with him if I took an opioid beforehand. It actually helped loosen my inhibitions.

Trouble was, afterward one time, he lashed out at me, "You have to take a pain pill to have sex!" I downloaded an information sheet on the subject and gave it to him, and he just pushed it away.

I should have said: I have to take a pain pill to be in bed with you cause you're so damn ugly, but he wasn't at all. (I have this obsession with the very good looking; I'm really not in their league.)

Daughter-in-law: "You take drugs. I'm never going to let you drive my kids anywhere!" Hmm. She's the mentally ill one in my family. No dialog possible with her (OCD plus narcissism), she isn't reasonable. The world is a very scary place for her and I am not rich, Republican nor religious, and I am contaminated. She wouldn't even come to my previous apartment because (gasp!) there were some non-pale people living within it. Oh horrors. She wants to live in a gated community. Yes, people like her belong behind those bars, keep them from getting out to the rest of us.


However, the accummulation of abandonment, realization of the fact that I would never be able to hold a job again, getting kicked out of his house with no money, applying for disabililty, all of this led to some PTSD around romantic relationships.

People stress me out more now than the early years of fibro. I just have no energy to deal with unkindness.

So, what's sexy and can lead to good sex are the same things that lead to an well-adapted with fibro. Effective drugs, compassion from partner and/or friends, and good communication skills. Also, dependable love.

 

So sorry to hear how,awful things have been for you.

The article is perhaps not as bad as a recent one on endometriosis- this looked at the impact of painful sex if you were Male.

I have a friend who has endometriosis which took years to diagnose, she sent me a link to the paper with some colourful emojis.

No, you couldn't make this stuff up.

 

Ummm, I wonder how many gentlemen this applies to?

In any case, it's an utterly bizarre attitude, and I'm sorry you encountered it in such a brutal way. Feeling less uncomfortable is the underlying objective of most of the medical interventions people will experience during their lives.

 

Your ex sounds manipulative/borderline abusive. You're well rid.

 

The study seems to me to ignore the fact that severity varies between patients, as do the specific symptoms. So surely the women who said they were 'willing' to have sex despite having FM might have been less affected (or affected in different ways) than those who said they were 'unwilling'?

I also found this concluding statement problematic: "Engagement in valued activities despite pain is an essential component of chronic pain acceptance, therefore a woman’s willingness to engage in sexual activity despite FM may be an indicator of more general chronic pain acceptance" . It seems to be a statement that could be very easily used to manipulate women into having sex despite pain

 

Everyone is different, in my opinion sex not worth pain and nothing is worth pain actually. Pain is bad. You have to be healthy to have sex. Unhealthy people can not have sex for various health reasons. Also, there are many asexual people in this world, young and old. It really is not a big deal but mainstream culture bigs up sex in a way that if you don't do it or enjoy it you're freak. What matter is love, has got nothing to do with sex.They are barely related.

 

Sex is definitely worth the pain in my opinion. If the pain is too harsh just switch to a smaller spanking paddle.

 

Indeed, the severity problem, as in the quote about a bad knee. Bad knee? If you have severe fibro, it's not just one, two, or three body parts in pain, it's a screaming type pain all over the body. I think the quality of the research is nil. I wouldn't trust what comes next from the researchers...they need to invest in more knowledge of fibro first.

Such things as what time of day is the pain least present. Again drug help can paramount to enabling sex to take place. Taking a hot bath beforehand, or having sex while "on" a heating pad. Having a partner massage (stinky) pain-relieving (temporary) cream into muscles.

Of what benefit is the so-called objective (psychrehab here) scientific viewpoint? Is there something new discovered? What about the stats for divorce when one partner has fibro. Begin there.

And the more important question: how to sustain a couple relationship in the face of one partner having chronic pain (again, attention paid the severity because it is a huge variable).

 

Thank you for the much needed lols @large donner !

 

It is something that doesn't get talked about enough. I have thought about doing a Blog about it, but am put off by the thought of friends and family knowing about my sex life

Both my husband and I are chronic pain sufferers so as you may imagine this has been a tricky one to negotiate. I think it is quite different if you are young, as libido does lessen as you age
It is something that doesn't get talked about enough. I have thought about doing a Blog about it, but am put off by the thought of friends and family knowing about my sex life

Both my husband and I are chronic pain sufferers so as you may imagine this has been a tricky one to negotiate. I think it is quite different if you are young, as libido does lessen as you age. Varifocals and Chandeliers don't mix!

We used to wait until we were 'in the mood' but that meant zero sex life ( there is nothing like pain and illness to stop you feeling attractive, romantic or horny, and we are too poorly for candlelit dinners and cinema dates.) We now schedule days and time of day in our diary, with the rule that either of us can opt out( if we are feeling just too lousy), and it's no biggie. I make sure the house is warm, the bed comfortable and take an opioid before and after- if you don't 'manage' pain then for sure it manages you. Always eat and have tea after, and electrolyte. I used to think that scheduling was unromantic...until my husband pointed out that the most unromantic thing was not doing it at all!

Despite all the preps I am always worse, both immediately and for days after. Anything I do generally rockets the pain upwards. For us it is worth it...but is not a deal breaker. Having had a broken long term relationship when I was younger,I know that problems with your partner can just add to the huge pile of crap we all have to wade through on a daily basis.​

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