I just have like a little bit of a mental breakdown. I just beat the [] out of my car with my skateboard. I smashed down my tail light. I [] dent it in the side throwing my skateboard at it over and over. Um, I I cannot begin to express how frustrated I am with this whole health situation and not really being able to do anything about it. I I get so many comments like, “You got to go see this person and go do this and try this.” Like, I’m doing all of that stuff. Like, I’m talking to professionals. I’m making phone calls. I’m making appointments. It’s like it like I’m so appreciative I really am of like how cozy and comfortable my life is and the fact that I get to skateboard for a living and get to like hang out with my friends for a living. But to not be able to participate or to like skate in general, like the only reason I went this route was so I could skate more. Like in all seriousness, the reason I wanted to do YouTube was not because I thought I was going to make decent money, which like I’m making enough to pay my bills. I’m It’s awesome. But it was just to be able to skate more. And now that I can’t, it like makes me want to like just stop. Like it I I’m not going to. It’s just this is just like an overreaction, like an emotional knee-jerk reaction of like I want to quit YouTube. I want to move back to the East Coast. I’m just going to go get a normal job again cuz it’s it’s too frustrating to be around all of this great time going on behind me on this curb and to not be able to do it, which is a reality that everyone faces when they get too old. You know, their body gives out or they have a serious injury or something like that. But the fact that a [] tick bit me and that’s what’s causing this to where I feel like I could skate. Like sitting here right now, I feel like I’m I could go out there and do some flip tricks, but the second I start doing any physical activity and the blood starts pumping, I immediately start shutting down. Like my body just won’t let me do it. Like, not only is my fatigue super high and I get tired fast, my equilibrium is so off. I feel like a beginner. Like, it’s it’s crazy, dude. And it sucks that like, you know, Ben’s out here, you know, he’s in from Canada. This the dude solo skates here with a friend. Like there there’s all these people that I want to be like having fun with. And I’m just in such a bad mood. I’m sitting in my car as they skate around me cuz I’m too angry, like really really angry to like have a conversation with someone and not be some like bitter brat about, oh, like I can’t skate right now. And I do think that I have valid reason to be upset. I do. But it’s like I don’t want to ruin someone else’s time with that. So, I’m gonna sit in here for a little bit. I’m gonna try to calm down. I’m gonna go back out there and continue skating and filming with everyone. I feel like this is probably a separate video than this what you know what you’re seeing. But yeah, like totally I just [] absolutely took thousands of dollars of worth off of my car just now. Like just beat the [] out of it. Um, dude, like mental breakdown in front of everyone, which, you know, it’s I can’t help but feel guilty to have like such a extreme reaction when in actuality I still have a very good life, you know? Like I’m not living paycheck to paycheck for the first time in my life, you know? But it’s like, god damn, dude. I’m so sad. Like I want to like I legitimately feel like if I sat here and dwelled on it for just a couple minutes and thought real hard about it, I would like legitimately cry. And you know, and I know a lot of people probably like, “Dude, this is not skating.” Like, big deal. You You’ve not skated way longer than that when you roll your ankle. The reason that it’s different is because I know that this is with me probably for life. And that the the last time that I had a flare up this bad, it was it was over two months that I couldn’t do anything. And it’s not just it’s not just that I can’t skate. Like the brain fog is so next level. I can’t concentrate. Like I couldn’t edit videos because my brain was so like [] up. I can’t daydream properly. I can’t sleep good. It’s it’s like all of the uncomfortabilities of being like very sick and a flu and a fever on top of like just not being able to like be yourself in your own head. Like I feel so foreign into my own thoughts. It’s like, oh man, it’s it’s frustrating. It’s very very frustrating. But as I’m talking about this, uh, it’s definitely calming me down cuz when I say these things out loud, it does make me realize like, hey, yeah, like at least you get to do this stuff, you know, and at least like I’m aware that things are good. I these are just an emotional reaction. It helps bring me back to reality. And I’ve said this in past videos, like even if you don’t do YouTube, you should talk to your phone and record yourself because it forces you to kind of have a conversation with yourself because that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m having conversation with myself in front of you. Um, not talking myself down, but talking myself through how I’m actually feeling and stuff like that. And I think there’s a lot of value in that. I think I think it is extremely therapeutic to hear yourself out out loud because when you hear it out loud, it’s not that it’s coming from another person. But speaking out loud, I think puts you in a position with intent to where you’re not hidden behind your… emotions and your own thoughts. Cuz when I think about things, it’s not like I’m just thinking about this thing very specifically. It’s a very broad feeling. But when I’m saying things out loud, it makes me get very specific and detailed about what I’m trying to portray or what I’m trying to get across. And I think in those niche intricate thoughts is where you can sort of sift through and see how you actually feel. Also, I drool a lot now. I don’t know if you’ve been noticing that. I drool a lot when my lime flares up. Oh man, but my neck feels better and my knees don’t hurt right now when lime flares up a lot. I get like really swollen knees. I’m like, they feel fine. Oh man, I got to go get a tail light now. Dude, this sucks. It doesn’t It’s fine. It’s better than it’s been. It’s just I I keep having this over-the-top worry that this is the end. Like I’m not going to be able to skate at normal ever again. And it’s like, all right, I’m going to sit here for a couple more minutes and I’m going to go hang out with everyone.
