Feeling insecure about romantic relationships

That sounds good, @Hoopoe!

As soon as you find people you click with, it'll be irrelevant. A lot of conversations between friends are more or less content-free, just chitchat, wind-ups, anecdotes, etc.

People's lives often are surprisingly boring, not least because a lot of what they could talk about is job-related, and it's the last thing they want to fill their spare time with. I've a friend I've known for nearly 45 years, and I can confidently say that we've never had an interesting or meaningful conversation. But we can finish one another's sentences, and a single word can refer back to a whole episode that reduces us to gales of laughter. it baffles other people, as saying 'mayonnaise' or 'lavatory' isn't usually considered hysterically funny.

When you do it won't matter. It's infuriatingly annoying when people say that, but they say it because it's true.

 

Hey @Hoopoe, I simply cannot imagine you not being every bit as adorable and fascinating as you are around here out there in the big wide world.

Still I wholeheartedly believe in your pain. When I became unwell it was like being pushed off the edge from a hight. How quickly I became untrustworthy someone to persuade and coax and reprimand back into the fold. If not to be abandoned for a lost cause and a liability. I didn’t take it lying down. No forgive my whimsy, of course I absolutely did. I don’t think that much about that time but every time I do I’m left reeling it was absolutely brutal. I’m so happy for you that you’re emerging from this cruel and crushing experience, ready for better.

 

Another thing about conversation, @Hoopoe, is that everyone I've ever been close friends with talks a lot. I mean a lot.

It was never deliberate and it took me a long time to even notice it, but in part the friendships work well because I'm not naturally garrulous. I'm happy to be the quieter one and just enjoy the company and craic, whereas a more talkative person might clash with them. They basically pick up my slack, and because they often find socialising easier than me, I tend to hide behind them a bit in groups (I'm autistic and can struggle with this).

So you won't always need to be able to contribute 50% to the conversation, in friendships or intimate relationships. I can think of several long, happy marriages where one partner contributes about 10% and the other never shuts up, but that's part of what makes it a success. They both know that when the 10% person does venture an opinion on something, it's likely it matters to them.

 

Something interesting happened. In spring, I traveled to see my grandmother. She often had guests and one of them was a woman who I got along well with. She is 52 (I'm 39). We agreed that the next time I was visiting, we would be doing something together.

I went to see my grandmother again, and met that woman again. We did a few things together and there was something very special about her. It was like meeting a person that I had known for a while. I told her about all my struggles and she didn't react negatively. On the contrary she was interested, empathic and caring. She said that she felt safe with me and that I emanate a feeling of calm and inner strength. I felt mental affinity towards her and felt good in her presence but had no physical attraction. I don't think I was in love, there seemed to be a natural compatibility of some sort. This was all very different from the usual way I meet people, so I wasn't sure what was going on.

Back at home, I decided that we had to clarify what kind of relationship we had and spoke with her. She thanked me and confessed that she had fallen in love on first sight. We agreed that a serious relationship would be unlikely to work for various reasons but that we would continue to be friends and do something together when we get the chance. She loves Italy and wanted to travel with me to Ravenna or come see me at the Garda lake.

I feel like she gave me a gift by showing me what's possible in relationships. I'm hoping that I'm not making any mistakes and accidentally hurt her feelings.

 

I wonder why interacting with her is so much easier.

I'll add this to the list of things I must discover.

 

I don't have the energy to say more right now but I've been reading your posts and I think you are doing great with all this exploring and trying to navigate things (while not having the same background or experiences as other people due to such an early onset of the disease). I know you have a lot of insecurities for this reason, but you seem to be doing/learning things pretty well.

 

I'm feeling more secure about romantic relationships now and have opened more to people. I'm able to be affectionate and warm and show genuine interest in people.