I know it probably doesn't feel like it,
@MinIreland, but you're doing really well. You're doing what you need to do and you're finding it hard like we all do (and probably harder because of your anxiety). It's scary to feel so bad and see no progress, but keep doing what you're doing. For what it is worth, even when I have ended up with a new, lower baseline, it has not been as bad as the early weeks/months of the drop.
Just adding a few ideas for when audiobooks etc aren’t an option (I spent many years not able for things like that). All done lying in bed in the dark in silence.
Most of these are variations of guided meditations I have done. You may have done them all already too!
Bodyscan with or without breathing into bits of body: Bring your attention to your left toes. Become aware of how they feel. Then imagine your next in-breath going all the way down to them, and your next out-breath letting go of anything they need to let go of. Work your way around your whole body. You can leave out the imagining-the-breath part if that’s too much. Just bring your attention to each bit of your body in turn and see how it feels.
Bring your attention to your legs, and imagine them becoming heavy and sinking into the bed. Then work up through the rest of your body, letting each part become heavy and sink into the bed. Don’t forget your head! This helps me let go of muscle tension that I didn’t realise I had.
Same thing but imagine something nice coming in to your body instead. Like warm honey, or clear water, or fresh air, or whatever feels soothing.
If a part of you feels really horrible, like your head, try imagining something like cold water gently lapping in, cooling it down and taking away some of the yuck. Really imagine/feel it. Then imagine gentleness or kindness or love in it, or gentle kind people looking after you.
Imagine yourself lying somewhere really lovely, like a beach or a hillside. Imagine how it smells, how the air feels on your skin, how it feels if you reach out and touch the sand/grass, what sounds there are (you can turn the volume down and have the place to yourself!)
Imagine your breath coming in one nostril (right) and out the other (left). On the next breath, reverse it, so your breath is coming in the left and out the right. Then reverse again, and reverse again, and then on the next breath, imagine your breath coming in both nostrils and out of both nostrils. And then start again. You don’t have to change your breath at all. You’re just imagining these things. If you like, you can count alongside it. So the first breath in and out is ONE. The second breath in and out is TWO. The third breath in and out is THREE. The fourth breath in and out is FOUR. And then the breath you take in and out through both nostrils is FIVE. You can keep counting up, with the 5th, 10th, 15th etc breath being through both nostrils. I do this in MRI machines!
Wish people well. Think of someone you really love. And in your head, think of things you’d really like them to have. Like “May you be well. May you have nurses who are kind and gentle.” Just keep going, wishing them all kinds of things. “May someone make you laugh today.” This is particularly good if you’re genuinely worried about someone. And you can do it for yourself too. “May this ease soon.”
If my mind is all over the place, concocting one thought after another, I try to feel the physical sensations underneath them (e.g. for me, often a kind of tightening in my throat/neck) and just see what they do when I bring my attention to them. Then after watching for a while, I try adding things to them, one after the other – softness, see how that feels, gentleness, see how that feels, kindness, love. Sounds daft. Helps me.
You've probably come across all of this already, but in case not...mindfulness/Buddhism often talks about unruly thoughts in terms of waterways, e.g. a rushing river, choppy waves. The idea is that rather than being in the rushing river, being tossed around, you get out of the river and watch it. So you're observing the rushing river, seeing how churned up it all is, but you've got a little bit of distance from it. You're not identifying yourself with the thoughts. You're going "Huh, look at that, my mind is scared that this is going to last forever. And now it's thinking that..." And you have enough distance to be able to go, "That's anxiety." And then when the water flow in the river slows down, you observe that. And if it never slows down, then you go, "Right, I live beside a turbulent river."
Sending hugs.
